If

I've been thinking a great deal lately about what it means to live well in the midst of stark uncertainty. Right now, my entire community and world exists between two radically different possibilities. IF there is real peace. IF the fighting returns more intensely than even before. It seems one of these two will happen. It seems there's no in between.

IF there's peace, we can move on a vaccination program and start talking about what education in Shan State might look like one day. We can discuss development and consider sustainable agriculture. We can even use buzz words like micro loans and agriculture co-ops.

IF there's fighting, we'll need every available blood donor. And aide. Delivering food. And love for every traumatized victim. And we will face still further daily uncertainty.

I know, I'm using the word "we," because I live in a community that faces this existence. And this future is, in part, my future. But I won't ever go to the front lines to defend my village. And I'll be allowed to leave whenever I decide all the uncertainty is just too much. And I will get away regularly to reconnect with others, skype my family, who are all safe and sound, and drink iced coffees in cafes while writing blog entries with soft jazz music in the background.

When I think about all of this, the longing for peace, which I find myself repeatedly writing about in every letter, becomes almost overwhelming. The second "IF" emotionally overwhelms me for all my friends. Though 90% of the time, every friend and loved one surrounding me is Shan, it is I in the end who can escape the pain, and I find I cannot stand that reality. I want my community, my friends, those I love to have the same ability as I... but I have a passport, and that changes everything.

So, please, pray as all of us as we live between this shaky reality of what could be and what might be. We live with the dreams and fears entangled together. The hope of one day returning home for those I love is beyond words. But the other IF... All I ask is that you pray. That you remained concerned with our little corner of the world. That you read the news about Burma. That you write any and every politician you find when campaigns are run for the sake of Burma. For we live in uncertainty, and the answer to all of our questions about what might be lies in the hands of a few government and military figures... and I'm naive enough to believe that maybe the rest of the world will influence their decisions. So pray. And act. And read. And talk.

And check out Partners: http://www.partnersworld.org

Or the Campaign for Burma: http://uscampaignforburma.org/

Journey without an end date...

In the last few days I have most undoubtedly begun procrastinating the very final touches that would allow me to zip up my bags and call them packed. It's not that I am any less excited to go, because I am excited... but... there's something final in those last actions that reminds that this time I do not know when I'll return. In five days I get on an airplane and fly to Thailand. This time my itinerary doesn't have "round trip" checked in the little box, and there's not a return ticket saved somewhere in cyberspace. For once I am not planning with an end date looming.

I've lived a rather nomadic life for the last eight years, and each experience has always come with a specified amount of time and commitment. I've welcomed those end dates, knowing that I could plan based on them. Paging - 9 mos. Germany - 11 mos. College - 4 years. Egypt - 4 mos. Thailand (the first time) - 4 mos. Teach for America - 2 years. During this time, I've lived with 35 different people, and each housing/rooming experience likewise had a start and end date, sometimes a fact I mourned and other times a fact I hung onto.

One distinctive part of my life has, therefore, necessarily become planning for the "thing after this thing." On the one hand, I have a real strength for long-term planning and casting vision. On the other hand, my futuristic dreams have also pulled me away at times from the present moment. Sometimes I wanted that and admittedly used the future as an escape, and sometimes that's just how life worked, because I had some application or resume to work on.

But now: Thailand (the second time) - indefinite.

So here's to the present and living life, for a little while, without leaning on my knowledge of what comes next. :)