Journey without an end date...

In the last few days I have most undoubtedly begun procrastinating the very final touches that would allow me to zip up my bags and call them packed. It's not that I am any less excited to go, because I am excited... but... there's something final in those last actions that reminds that this time I do not know when I'll return. In five days I get on an airplane and fly to Thailand. This time my itinerary doesn't have "round trip" checked in the little box, and there's not a return ticket saved somewhere in cyberspace. For once I am not planning with an end date looming.

I've lived a rather nomadic life for the last eight years, and each experience has always come with a specified amount of time and commitment. I've welcomed those end dates, knowing that I could plan based on them. Paging - 9 mos. Germany - 11 mos. College - 4 years. Egypt - 4 mos. Thailand (the first time) - 4 mos. Teach for America - 2 years. During this time, I've lived with 35 different people, and each housing/rooming experience likewise had a start and end date, sometimes a fact I mourned and other times a fact I hung onto.

One distinctive part of my life has, therefore, necessarily become planning for the "thing after this thing." On the one hand, I have a real strength for long-term planning and casting vision. On the other hand, my futuristic dreams have also pulled me away at times from the present moment. Sometimes I wanted that and admittedly used the future as an escape, and sometimes that's just how life worked, because I had some application or resume to work on.

But now: Thailand (the second time) - indefinite.

So here's to the present and living life, for a little while, without leaning on my knowledge of what comes next. :)

Only two more days of students and one more teacher day... Strange. It's all wrapping up, and it turns out that I survived my first year of teaching. Actually, I think I should stop using that word even if there is a degree of reality to it, because though surviving is all I did at times, most of the year I did a lot more than survive. I connected with sixteen students, whose futures will forever matter to me, no matter what. Somewhere across the year, these kids grew, and they grew a lot. I could give you numbers and data about how much they grew (TFA thankfully requires careful tracking), but, instead, I'll just tell you that these kids are true superstars and deserve all of our respect for their willingness to shoot for unlikely goals because a strange woman tells them to and then to achieve them. I'm so proud of them. About half of them will no longer be my students next year, and I have no words for how I will miss them. These same students took me, a recent college graduate with clear dreams for her own future, and hijacked all of those plans. I don't know what the future holds, because I realize more and more that my dreams for myself are now intertwined with my dreams for my students. It's a strange thing teaching does, and I now understand why 2/3 of all TFAers continue working in or on education issues. I cannot ever let down my students, whom I love... we shall see where that leads...

On another note, this summer I will be traveling overseas, and for the first time in my life, going overseas does not mean going somewhere new. Instead, I will be returning to two familiar places: first to my German friends and family in Bremen, and second to visit my sister in Jerusalem. Keep checking here for all my updates! Thank you for all your e-mails, comments, and phone calls of concern and support this year. :)

It has occurred to me somewhat sooner than I planned on that a year from now I'll probably have a plan as to what occurs after my two year teaching commitment. For the average non-TFAer, the significance of this sentence could easily be missed. The thing is, you run boldly into your first year of teaching, thinking the entire time of everything you'll do better once you've experienced a year of teaching, and then suddenly it's already your last year. It's the strange dynamic of only making a two-year commitment; you only have a first year and a last year. Many, many do stay on for a third year, but it is not a part of the commitment... and so begins the decision-making process, very much like the senior year of college but long before you've even oriented yourself to life as a teacher... in fact, I'm doubting that two years is at all long enough to orient oneself ever to life as a teacher.

That being said, watching the current second year teachers scramble to finalize their decisions, I'm realizing I really must begin to move forward in thinking about life post-TFA. So here are my current options that I'm seriously considering, and I would appreciate hearing any of your gut reactions.

First, I could continue down the path I left Messiah on, and that would be to pursue a PhD in Political Science, with the hope of one day becoming a professor. I truly love the academic life, and I love what I studied. The problem with this idea, however, is that I began to desire this life out of phase of wariness, mostly wariness of the transitional aspect of the life choices I've made (a year here, a year there, 1/2 year there, etc.) and fear of the addictive whirlwind of government and government-related life, and academia seemed a way out of the whirlwind. Yet, though I continue to look forward to growing roots, teaching has really made me question whether I would ever truly feel that I was making enough of a tangible difference as a professor (and, besides, I think most people would also point out that I have also enjoyed the whirlwind and had invaluable experiences in the process). I have always been very hands-on and have always chosen the path that takes me right into the center of the things I care about. An apt example would be how I chose studying in the Middle East easily over studying about the Middle East at Oxford University. The latter would have been far more academic, but I had the need to throw myself into the midst of the issues, rather than merely study them.

Secondly, I've off and on toyed with the idea of studying theology. It simply remains one of those topics that rattles around in my head a lot. If you'd asked me even as recently as a week ago, I might have really thought this is what I really wanted, but today this dream does not appeal to me... again, because I need to know that what I am doing matters to other people. Theology matters a great deal to me, and I will spend a lot of time thinking about it for sure, but I cannot help but think that the study of theology would be a largely selfish pursuit for me (I do not believe this is the case for most of my friends who are studying theology, by the way). I would just be satisfying my own personal muse, rather than following a true vocation. Yet, I imagine this possibility will resurface in my thoughts as a viable option. 

Thirdly, I could stay in the classroom. At this time, I find it highly unlikely that I would remain in special education, impossible that I would remain in an elementary school, and questionable that I would remain in Louisiana (it's just so hard being away from so many people I care about). However, I could see myself teaching in a functioning, high-quality middle or high school that serves the same socio-economic group as I'm currently working with (and many exist) if I were teaching social studies or humanities. In fact, when I begin to dream, sometimes I think I could positively love this job. My impact on the world might be limited to the students I taught, but I could thoroughly love those students (as I love my current students) and teach them to think critically about the world and believe in their own ability to make a difference. My best moments have been when I've had the really deep conversations with my 13-15 year olds about societal trends, racism, or history. My one TFA friend here, however, has reminded me that I can always return to the classroom. The easiest time to pursue any of the other options I'm considering would be now (by now, I mean actually immediately following TFA). Still, this option has a strong draw to it.

Finally, the newest option I am considering after several convincing TFA spiels would be to return back to the direction I was going before my senior year of college: the policy/non-profit route. TFA has strong partnerships with nearly every major university for various scholarships and fellowships in their Public Policy programs, so this would be a very affordable route to begin down academically-speaking. Moreover, I will always be aware that this (the policy route) is what I spent many years preparing for, and when I see educational problems at the systemic level, it is hard to walk away from this option. Yet, though I do not consider myself a cynic, I was thoroughly disillusioned with government work at a fairly young age, and I question if I can schmooze my way through it all again, the way I feel effective policy writers and advocates must. I have ideas, but I prefer working independently, quietly and away from all the drama... spending my life shaking hands and convincing others to get on board... I think I could be quite good at it and even get a buzz from it all, but is it the life I want to choose? This is what I began to run from my senior year... this was the question I asked myself repeatedly and what ultimately led to me wanting to pursue an academic career. Yet, am I being hypocritical? Am I running away, simply because I fear the challenge? Or am I running away because there really is something negative that I can see myself being sucked into? It is also appealing to not spend a life working with individuals who may only rarely know how to show gratitude (as in the case of teaching), and interacting with adults everyday... just a thought... not a strong one, but it exists.

Today's toss-up is between the last two... which is quite a shock after a year of longing for the academic life, but perhaps I have finally adjusted to life outside the ivory towers and can envision my place in the so-called real world... and perhaps one particular professor was especially right to tell me to go get some life experience before choosing the academic life. :) Admittedly, though, a week or so later, I might be thoroughly fed up with my unacademic life and start looking more seriously at the first two again. So tell me your thoughts. I'd love to hear. You all know me best. :)