Dear Friends and Family,

 

            Some of you have commented on my very negative Facebook status updates, so I have attempted to reduce those. Not everything I experience is negative. Yet, today I am at the point of admitting how very discouraged I really am. I don’t feel like a good teacher or even like I’m helping my kids most days. The only thing that keeps me in this job is I know that if I quit they’ll be even worse off. God knows, though, that’s not really saying a whole lot.

            At 8:00am yesterday I happened upon two eleven-year-old students trying to strangle each other to death. They both appeared to be within seconds of passing out. I’m convinced that the first one to pass out would not have survived had I not walked up on the incident. The rage and expression I saw on their faces scared me more than almost anything I have ever seen. I realized they each fully intended to kill the other. Usually when I fight happens, kids get excited and circle around shouting, “Fight, fight, fight!” It was the first time where I saw little boys really scared saying things like, “Stop… no, really, guys… stop, you’re killing him… please stop!”

            That’s how I knew something was terribly wrong as I walked to my class, holding my freshly copied worksheets in my hand. Next thing I knew I was running, shoving myself between the two boys, shouting at the two, and shouting at the teachers for more help. One of the boys was my student, in fact the boy that I have worked with more than any other child and seem to spend every spare second of the day trying to imagine how to help him more. I love this child, and I am scared to death of the direction I see him going. Another special education teacher advised me to just count him “lost” in order to ease my own emotional stress levels. That teacher does not understand how deeply I love this boy already and how I can never give up on him, no matter the emotional cost.

            Most days I fantasize on the way to and from work of just driving off, of simply failing to stop until I am far, far from Louisiana. Sometimes I think how amusing it would be to just pass my school, keep going on the ferry across the Mississippi, and to keep going until I find myself 14 hours later in North Carolina, just to leave everything and not come back. I am not going to do this, because my heart remains somehow with my kids, but I will never deny how tempting it is. Sometimes, I just want to forget all of this and pretend I was never a teacher so I never have to feel guilty about leaving, but the reality is that even if I left today, you could never take the memories away. Life forevermore will be impacted by what I’ve seen in the last two months and what I will see in the rest of my two-year experience. I know that when I finish enduring this, I will be able to endure any future career. Graduate school will never be the emotional ride that teaching special education has been nor will teaching in a university. At the same time, every future career will be influenced by this experience.

            Meanwhile, I find myself “escaping” as often as possible. Sometimes I use the television, other times sleep. I realize how dysfunctional it is, but I see the stack of papers that need to be graded, think of all the parents I should probably call, and imagine the goals for upcoming IEPs that I should start writing, and I simply feel incapable, therefore I avoid.

            There are those really sweet moments, like when a child tells me he loves me, or when another child tells me he wants to become a writer because of me, or amusingly when all the students become convinced that I’m sisters with the Asian sixth grade math teacher at school, or even when the regular education kids beg me to take them to my class. I don’t want to ever forget those moments, because they keep me going… and, slowly, I do get around to the grading, the paperwork, and the phone calls. It’s just I’m not doing anything at my best, and there are always so many backwards steps. I wish there was a less painful way to make a difference in the academic lives (and overall lives) of these children. I wish they knew how much I am fighting for them and how much I hope for the best for them. I pray for them, and I love them. I’m scared for them, and I hope for them. I know they can do well; I just hope they realize this too, which is why I continue teaching them.

            So pray for me, because this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and I am scared of failing, because, for the first time ever, my failure will not be my own. My failure will equally and unfairly become my kids’ failure.

 

Love,

Miss Kara

My heart sank when I saw handcuffs around the small wrists of one of my boys today. He's such a good kid... with some major issues. I care more deeply for him, however, than I ever thought possible. My heart soars when I see him making good choices and enjoying learning, and my heart sinks when I watch him make a bad choice. I don't even begin to know how to pray, but all my prayers are that I will watch him flourish this year. That would be amazing.

It's taken me a while to start writing about teaching, because it's taken me a while to even begin to process the world I have immersed myself in. Truthfully, it's extraordinarily rough. One of Sharona's friends made some comment about what I am doing now being really "cool." Actually, I can positively say that "cool" is the one word I would not use to describe what I am doing. I would not want to be anywhere else (at least I recognize this sentiment right now), but it's not cool. Young boys trying to be big, bad boys telling me to get out of their face as their morning greeting is not cool. Young boys about to lose it and already swinging their fists back to hit me is not cool. Young boys going up to young girls to molest them is not cool. Young boys who are *sooo* sweet but have not learned to what to do with their anger (and, truthfully, they have a lot to be legitimately angry about) is not cool. Young girls more concerned with flirting with the boy next to them than the opportunities that an education will provide is not cool. Young girls trying to impress the boy next to them by showing blatant disrespect is not cool. Being legally unable to discuss sex with my young girls or young boys is not cool.

What's frustrating is that I know so many of you will read the list I just wrote and still you will romanticize it. It's not romantic, and it's not cool. There are some very sweet "teacher" moments, but a lot of what I do feels more like surviving. I love my students, and I want the absolute best for them, and I think about them non-stop. But I haven't always figured out how to provide an excellent education. The only thing I know is that I won't give up. Maybe if there are just enough of us in their lives acting as these cheerleaders, they'll make it alright. Yet, sometimes, I'm terrified. I can't let my kids know it, but I don't always feel like I'm in control of my classroom at all. When a young boy throws a table across the room, I feel positively out of control. Yet, each day I find it less likely that yesterday's misbehavior will repeat itself. Maybe that's really what classroom management looks like--just learning to lessen yesterday's problems until there have been enough "yesterdays" to actually push learning ahead.

So tomorrow begins another week, and I hope and pray it's better than this last week. I need and appreciate all of your prayers. I am doing the positively most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. I just want my kids to learn.

I live on a lake on the sweetest and most welcoming small town on this side of the Mississippi (I now live on the Western half). I have a magnificent view of the sunset over the lake from every back window in our house. My mom is coming tonight. Life is good.

Right now I cannot express how happy I am to be sitting in the Hilton in Baton Rouge (thank you, Hilton, for sponsoring TFA corps members in SLA). The humidity feels wonderful! Even sweeter is the fact that when I stepped out of airport I did not feel an oven opening onto my face or a blow dryer sucking all the moisture off my skin.

Instead, I am sitting silently and alone in my hotel room in Baton Rouge. I cannot imagine doing anything more wonderful. I cannot help savor these moments of quiet before the rush, and the rush is definitely coming. Tomorrow I sign the lease for Meg and my lake cottage. On Monday we complete all the necessary paperwork and fingerprinting. On Tuesday I begin Pointe Coupee training. On Wednesday I return to TFA training in Baton Rouge, which also goes into Thursday. Thursday night we have our welcome dinner back in Pointe Coupee. The rush continues right up until August 3, when I officially begin my adventure as a 4th-6th grade special education teacher.

I have so much to learn still, but everyday I learn more. Moreover, everyday I begin to grasp how much this job is and will transform my life. I can only hope I'm ready.

I am sooooooo proud of my Kindergarteners... correction: my first graders! Today they graduated from the Kindergarten summer school, and next week they enter the first grade!

Our reading goal was to move up 6 points on the DRA, and on average we met 197% of our goal. Every student at the very least met their goal; one even tripled it.

Our math goal was to increase 70%, and we met 88% of that goal. Nonetheless, our students soared! They know far more than they ever did before, and they learned what hard work can bring!

My greatest fear is that I will never learn anything else about the class that first taught me how to be a teacher. They were my teachers, too, after all, though I could not tell them that. I will never forget Andrew falling on the floor wailing, because he was in the group that was "less than" the other side... failed attempt at teaching greater and less than. Nor will I ever forget watching Andrew begin reading or my deep disappointment when he stopped showing up to summer school. Nor will I ever forget that moment when Marquis fluently read a Level H book and gave me the biggest grin and a high five! Nor will I forget when Aziyah counted blocks one at a time! Nor will I forget when Christian apologized for using mean words! Nor will I ever forget when my students taught my mentor teacher how to stand "hip and lip"! Nor will I ever forget when Zaquariae began to participate in class, sometimes bursting with the answers! Nor will I ever forget when shy little Ju'Maree transformed into the class clown! I will never forget these beautiful faces. They will be with me forever.

Teaching continues to transform my life. I wonder what two years will do to me.

Rough days and good days. I unfortunately do not have time to type all, but let me just give a glimpse of the last few days:

BEST MOMENT: A spontaneous hug from the dearest little boy ever on a rough day for him (he wasn't acting out... just carrying family pain into the classroom).

WORST MOMENT: Watching a little girl cry over trying to unbutton pants that were far too small.

GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT (not necessarily my own achievement, but I am as proud of a student's achievement as my own): A girl, who had no concept of one-to-one counting at the beginning, demonstrated mastery of the GREATER THAN concept!

PLACES FOR GROWTH: Learning to challenge my three most advanced students while not losing my three least advanced.

MOST FUN: Reading to my kids with all silly voices I could think of!

Today was... well, it was Day 2 of Kindergarten, and I suspect a fairly typical one in the summer experience. I cannot call it bad, because truthfully the kids were well-behaved and not one cried (like they did yesterday) to take a nap. Yet, it was *hard.* I had a carefully planned lesson for today's objective (to identify a number one less than a given number) only to discover a significant portion of my class had no number sense and could only barely manage counting forward (if that), let alone backwards. One dearheart told me that 22 came after 5, and I could not for the life of me figure out where in the classroom she was looking to come up with that number.

That being said, it was a day of falling in love with students who, already, are years behind their privileged peers. I have only four weeks to work with these dearhearts, and Kindergarten is far from my ideal age range, but if I can make a difference in their future achievement, I will be happy. I asked a child why we were doing what we were doing, and one of them (as I hoped) said so that we could count like a first grader. Another child piped in so that we could then eventually count like a third grader. I followed these two statements with so that we could then count like fifth grader, and then a seventh grader, and then a high schooler... and eventually like a COLLEGE student!

Their response was a bunch of giggles and a few exclaimed "College?!" back to me. Yet all of them beamed with pride over the possibility that what we were doing now might prepare them for this very distant dream. I hope their future teachers tell them the same thing. They have a right to teachers who will not give up on them after seeing diagnostic test results.

First week of training in Phoenix will be done tomorrow, and I am utterly exhausted. I thought I would have written multiple times by now, but when even a good night's rest continues to elude me, this blog slips to the background. I will simply say that it appears I will be teaching elementary special education in Pointe Coupee, Louisiana, but I am still not yet hired. For the summer training, I am teaching Kindergarten. Anyway, I have ten minutes before dinner, so I need to go.

Yesterday consisted of 13 hours of driving through six states (North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Alabama Mississippi, and Louisiana), lots of oil drills, swamps, and a space center. Today consisted of attempting to meet 160 individuals, unloading my furniture into a storage unit, and listening to the Louisiana Secretary of State talking about Louisiana history and culture (quite exciting!)... oh, and naturally getting lost. Also notably, my friend from paging (Rachael) and I were actually randomly assigned to be roommates for induction! That was a fabulous surprise! :) Overall, it's been a good day, but I am exhausted beyond words and ready to sleep. There are several social activities going on (most people are going to the bar), but I think I will save my social energies for the morning. Today I have simply reached my limit.

Today I was able to observe several EC students at Kaye's school, which was fantastic and very exciting. I had a small realization though: I am still at 22 years of age unable to say my "teacher" name satisfyingly. Miss Skarda has unfortunately three S's too many for a former lisper. Naturally, this could pose an especially significant problem for teaching special ed students, who may utilize extra mimicking skills. I still have a very vivid memory of trying to correct my Thai students' pronunciation of an "r" and finding that instead I had only managed to switch their "s" to a "th." At least then I went by "Miss Kara"...

Just imagining a mildly amusing scenario in the fall in which I am consistently avoiding saying my own name...

Dear Family and Friends,

It is strange that I write to you now as a college graduate. The fact that four years of education are over has not yet really hit. This realization might be postponed by the reality that I have so much TFA homework currently. I am alternating between reading textbooks titled Teaching as Leadership; Diversity, Community, and Achievement; Instructional Planning and Delivery; Classroom Management and Delivery; and Elementary Literacy. Meanwhile, I am also attempting to study for the Praxis, which I am not horribly worried about but at the same time am stressed nonetheless over the fact that I only get one chance to pass. I simply *must* pass the first time around.

Thus graduation has not meant the end of homework, and I am reminded of the fact that I truly believe my nose best belongs stuck between the pages of a good book. I am not even upset about having homework. In truth, I find all this new work to be fascinating, as it is outside of the field I studied for the last four years. I cannot help but think how useful it would have been to have read some of this before teaching English in Thailand last year. Nonetheless I am grateful to be learning it now. Moreover, I am happy to simply continue learning and studying, though I wish I had a little more control over the timing and could walk outside more to enjoy the summer sunshine. Hopefully that will come in time. If not, however, losing one summer is a small sacrifice to pay in the goal of becoming the absolute best teacher I can be.

Overall, I am avoiding too much reflection. I do not want to reflect too deeply on all that I have left and said goodbye to, because I will miss it so dearly. If I stop now, I might be frozen and unable to keep moving forward. Similarly, I do not want to reflect too long on moving to a completely new location and having an entire class beholden to me. The responsibility and weightiness of that reality would equally freeze me. Instead, I am attempting to focus merely on today's work and what I need to do before I go to the beach with my family. While at the beach, I will have to accept the reality that I will be leaving for Louisiana just two days after I arrive back in North Carolina. It will all happen very quickly, but for now I am choosing to live in the present.

To the rest of Messiah College's Class of 2009: CONGRATULATIONS! We did it! :)

To those I have left at Messiah or in the Harrisburg area: I will miss you.

It may seem strange that I have waited so long to update this blog, but so much was up in the air, and with so much work to do, it seemed impossible to update everyone on all the little in-between phases. I have every intention now of updating more often, but that is because it is far less painful to update when decisions have already been made. The hard part is to update about applications, waiting, and deciding.

SO... I am not going to Thailand for a myriad of reasons that I will not go into in depth. I made that decision, more or less, back in February. I have spent the last several years jumping from place to place, and more than anything I desire to stay one place and invest myself in a community for a time. Of course, Thailand could have been that, but not getting paid makes that a bit of a trial. It seems a year would have been my maximum. Moreover, as time went on, I began to feel that I don't want to be that person who sees every problem in the rest of the world but fails to ever face the problems in our country's backyard.

So now for the change of plans... (drum roll please)... On June 9th I will pack up my car in Archdale, North Carolina and begin the 13 hour journey down to the bayous of Louisiana for induction into the 2009 Teach for America South Louisiana Corps. While such a decision may surprise so many of you, I am excited beyond words about this opportunity! I will spend the next two years of my life as an elementary special education teacher, and I will work in a school that our taxes continue to fail.

Some of you may ask, and fairly so, how this relates to many long-term goals of being a professor of political science. Some of you may remember a time in the recent past where I legitimately felt I might apply to enter a Ph.D. program immediately after graduation. I still hold the dream of becoming a professor, and I am thrilled to pursue that dream two years from now. In the meanwhile, it is time for me live a little and see beyond the ivory tower walls. Education inequality has robbed so many of the civil rights for which the last generation fought hard. I have an opportunity to be one part of bridging the achievement gap in America. Who knows? Maybe one day some of my students from South Louisiana will also be my students in the university setting. I have an obligation to make that possible, and I have every intention of doing my best. What can I say of political theories when I do not know the people most affected by the realization of these theories?

Moreover, for those of you must concerned with career choices, I might as well put you at ease and tell you that I have thought of one answer for all of you. Isn't it wise for a professor to understand the learning disorders that affect students? What better way than to see it as they first begin a lifelong journey of living with these disorders? So it's elementary special education for me... a choice I will never regret. If this does not satisfy the few of you out there who are more concerned with ladder-climbing than living well, let me remind you that in this economy, I am grateful to know I will have a salary in a few months' time. Prestige, power, and ambition have become ideas that turn my stomach. Working for congress will remain my closest voluntary encounters with power. I do not desire to enter the rat race. I desire only to live well and live meaningfully... ironic desires given my choice of major. I do not want to be a politician, though I love studying politicians and forms of government. My goals for life are to read good books, travel to new places, write meaningfully, and expand others' horizons as others have done for me. So today that means elementary special education and tomorrow I sincerely hope that will mean being a professor of political science.

I know that the next six months will include the greatest challenge I have ever faced in my life. Passing the three praxis exams that I must pass for certification and surviving the training institute will only be the beginning. If there was anything I learned from my two hours a day of teaching English to seventh graders in Thailand, it's that the classroom is a living, breathing entity for which you can never entirely plan. Yet everyday you must wake up and do the impossible--face the class again and somehow find a new way to approach the subject matter when yesterday's plan failed. The frightening thing is that two hours a day for eight weeks nearly consumed me. I felt more love and care for my students than I ever imagined possible. It wasn't ever perfect: I certainly have vivid memories of angry adolescents attempting to sneak off with their significant others, but even in those moments, I remember the adamant, overpowering  need to fight for their education even when they couldn't see its importance. Two hours a day. Four days a week. Eight weeks.

So now I am looking at all day, five days a week, two years. Different age group. Different culture. Different language. Different continent. Different subject matter. Different learning issues. It's the only teaching experience I really have to look back upon, but there is one thing I am sure of: this will not be that. "This" will soon become its own extraordinary and overpowering experience. You will soon read of my struggles and pain and of my hopes and concerns. Stay by me. Read my words. Share in this journey to close the achievement gap in America. It matters that by the time so many kids enter school, they will already be far behind their peers in upper-income districts. It matters a lot. So journey with me.

I have been reminded that if I am going to switch to a new blog, rather a very old blog, I should probably post something new so that everyone realizes that I have truly switched to this blog. So this is that post. I have switched. One day I will write here again.

For the time being, my energies are focused on being a student, and I have very little to say... or maybe I should say I have a great deal to say but none that I am presently willing to publish. I find myself writing all the time, but it's better writing than I used to put on the blog. They're only short vignettes, but they take the time that I might have once invested in blogging.

Eventually, however,  I will be trying to keep in touch with so many people thousands of miles away that I will feel compelled once again to write here. I may even this semester try to get myself started--maybe. Most likely I will wait until summer. At the current moment, I have no desire to publish my thoughts, for they are invested too deeply in my academic endeavors (mostly dealing with politics, religion, and their interplay).

Check back in the summer though. I really will write while in Thailand. I wish you all the best. Thanks for being faithful to my blogs even when they are virtually nonexistent.

Hey again to everyone reading this! (That would be very few considering I keep forgetting to e-mail everyone the address, so most of you don't even know this exists... don't worry, you will.) By the way, I've no clue why it says my last post was May 14th. Anyhow, it wasn't.

It's two days before I leave! Yes, and in a few hours I will see most of you (and maybe cry) as I go to my last youth group meeting and church event.

Well, I think a few of you have still not figured out what I am doing (despite that I've talked about it *quite* often), so for those of you who do not listen too well, please read below. Excuse me, if you are one of those from WFUBMC, Telenet, or DCCC, because I really did not get to tell most of you about all the details. I am not inferring that you are a poor listener.


Just a few DC side notes:

- no, I will *not* be living with a family
- yes, I will go to school: I will go to the House Page School and live in the House Page Dorms
- no, I am not doing an internship; I am paging which is to say that I am a modern day servant in the House (of course, that is *not* the official definition since I do not do most of the grunt work but do things like take notes, ring bells, answer the phones, etc.)
- It's true, it's not a rumor; I really will have to go to school 6:45-9:30 or 11:30 (depending upon the day) in the morning.
- yes, I will get to see the president but he is not likely to remember me because it'll be during the State of the Union Address when lots of people get to see him. Of course, if I'm lucky I could be like one of the past pages who strikes up a conversation with him in the hallway onto the Floor. ;-)
- yes, I am likely to get to know, at least, some of the congressmen/women. Some have more of a history of being friendly to pages than others, but I may eat lunch with them fairly often. Hopefully, I will, at least, get to know my sponsor, Congressman Howard Coble. It will be no surprise to come home with pictures of me with all different famous people.
- no, I am not likely to go back to the community college when I come back for my senior year of high school. I do not yet know what I am going to do, but I don't want to return my normal, er, "social life" which consists of little to nothing unless it's Sunday or Wednesday.
- yes, there is a chance I may not come home again... this may be my official exit from the nest. Some of the colleges in and around DC like Pages and try to find ways to attract them. A good way to do that is to accept them straight out of the Page Program even without a diploma. So college may be heading my way sooner than I thought.
- no, this is not like a boarding school or, at least, not in the traditional sense. Most past pages have felt it was very similar to college. I will be working a full time job, going to school full time, and allowed to go as far as the metro system -bus and subway- goes (into some of Maryland and Virginia). I will have to have another page with me at all times, though. So there goes my time alone that I usually value so much, so you could say a few prayers that I don't bite off the heads of either my roommate or whoever is with me just because I can't get alone.

Those are the basics. Other than that, I really am not sure what to expect of life. A lot depends on the roommates I get. There will be three to a room. I've been really pray for them. Also, I know we are going to have a Bible Study. Out of the 20 pages I've talked to so far, five of us are Christians. We are pretty set on starting this Bible Study. For the past two years, Pages have had a nightly Bible Study and we're getting ready to carry on this torch. Please, pray for us. God has called us to a strategic place, I believe, but I don't really understand it all.

I'll keep in touch. I'm leaving the day after tomorrow. On Sunday I move in and have orientation. I'm really excited and know this is a God thing. So just keep me in your prayers.

Love Ya,
Kara

Well, today is August 11th, 2003. In eighteen days, I leave for DC. Can you believe it? It still seems so incredible to me. I'm in awe of what God is doing in my life. How I've made it to this point is beyond me. In twenty days exactly is the orientation I've been waiting for so long. I'll get to meet all the people that will be my life for the next nine months.

I know I'm going to miss everyone from home so much. Right now, I'm listening to "Burlap to Cashmere," and I all I can think about are all the happy memories from South Dakota. Remember all those van rides? Yes, and there was Stephen making us listen to that cd. Oh, well... it's something to remind us of all those good times early in the morning! lol.

Cya!

-Kara