When I wasn't who the police thought I was...

Right now, I am struggling with just how disturbing the news is. I hear about what is happening in Iraq and Syria at the hands of the Islamic State, and I want to vomit. Then I read the latest new coming out of Ferguson, Missouri, and I want to cry at the reality of race in America.

I don't really know how we're supposed to respond to news of hate, but I do believe, as a follower of Christ--as one who sees reconciliation as quite central to the message of Christ--silence is not an option.

But it's also difficult.

Namely, because I don't live in America, Iraq, or Syria. Moreover, when speaking of America, I am a blonde-haired, blue-eyed Southern girl. Sometimes I feel even ashamed to speak. I don't know how to speak of racial profiling, because I've never experienced anything but the privilege of favorable profiling. Likewise, I feel stunted in my ability to discuss the frustration, anger, and desperation that we see now exploding in Ferguson.

I'm quite simply the wrong person.

Yet as my Facebook wall fires up with mostly compassionate responses toward the residents of Ferguson, there are a few others--mostly from people with whom I grew up--posting angrily. White people. Angry. And it scares me.

Race is complicated, and white people really have few opportunities to experience the full dimensions of its ever-present existence in daily decision making.

There has lately been an old memory that has haunted me a great deal. It's actually a story I usually enjoy telling, and everyone gets a good laugh, but right now it doesn't feel funny.

You see, a few years back, I lived in southern Louisiana, and I frequently made the 14 hour drive from North Carolina (where my parents lived) to my home in Louisiana in a single day. That allowed me more family time, and I was able to get the drive done with all at once.

However, there was a risk to it, because, at that time, there was no available bridge across the Mississippi to the small parish (Louisiana word for "county") where I lived. On the western side of our little segment of the Mississippi was New Roads, my home at the time, and on the eastern side was the much wealthier (and whiter) town of St. Francisville. This meant that at the very end of my drive, I was required to take a ferry from St. Francisville to New Roads. The risk was not leaving early enough and missing the last ferry for the night.

Well, one particular holiday return, I apparently had allowed time to slip by a little too much, and as my car wound through St. Francisville, just miles from my home, I had the heart-sickening realization, I might not make it.

I did what anyone would do: I sped up. Not a lot. But enough. About 10 miles over the speed limit.

I should add that at this point the road I was on could only be going in one direction. In just a couple more miles, it would dead-end at the ferry stop. There was absolutely no other place I could be going. From wealthy St. Francisville. To New Roads.

That was when the lights began to flash behind my car. Shoot, as I glanced ahead, I noticed the speed limit had dropped 10 more miles. My first time ever to be pulled by a cop had to be when I most desperately needed to rush!

I was not afraid, naturally, only frustrated. I did not even notice or pay attention to the fact that I was in a darkened area, where there would be no witnesses to whatever occurred. It did not even strike me as an important detail.

Then as I turned off my car's engine and pushed the break in, I had my first fright.

The police's lights continued blinking and shining, and out of the microphone of the car, I heard the policeman's voice boom, "Will the driver of the car, please, exit the vehicle with the hands in the air!"

Mind you, though I had never been pulled by a police officer before, I had been in the car many times before, and I was well aware I was not being handled normally.

That's when I first realized how dark it was and how the nearest businesses weren't necessarily close enough to be paying any attention. That's when my heart skipped a beat, and I wondered what this officer's intentions were. The officer's orders boomed again. That's when I considered restarting my car and going until I found a well-lit place where others could witness the transaction. But I was also frightened that this man would assume it was a chase.

I was terrified, when I finally complied. I stepped out of the car with my hands in the air, as the officer got out of his car, his hand on his holster.

And then he saw me.

The elderly officer broke into a smile, allowed me to get back into my car to find my documents, and asked me how I was doing. He then quite gently asked me if I had noticed I was going above the speed limit.

I was shaking and terrified. I couldn't transition to his friendly demeanor quite so fast.

The man felt bad for me, when he realized I was trying to catch the ferry so that I could teach in the morning and actually told me to get going again and hurry up.

That was all. No ticket. Nothing.

I was speeding.

But I didn't look like the person rushing to New Roads that he thought I would be. Appearances was all it took to reassure him.

I did, in fact, miss the ferry and spent the night in St. Francisville, rising quite early to cross on the ferry the next morning and meet my students at the school.

Usually when I tell this story, using just the right intonation and a wave of my left eyebrow, everyone cracks up at the point where the officer saw me. I mean, I'm this small little blonde-haired teacher with my hands in the air. It is funny.

Except when it's not.

What if I had been someone else? A different teacher? What if I looked different?

Don't get me wrong, I don't think the officer would have shot me, but... The problem with life is that it's full of split-instant decisions, in which quick observations, inform us, accurately or inaccurately, what situation we're in. In my case, before he saw my face, where I was coming from and where I was headed in had frightened him enough to demand I exit my car with my hands in the air. My face, however, quickly cleared me of guilt. What if it had not?

I've always wondered about that. I know it would not have gone so easily that evening.

Right now, this memory is fresh as I look at the frustration and fear exploding out of Ferguson. I can never know what it feels like to fear police daily, because my face has always exempted me from any extra scrutiny by police. I can't know, but I also can't accept how very ignorant to this sort of treatment white Americans sometimes are. Yes, we can't really know, but we can see bits and pieces of it upon occasion, and it ought to be enough to horrify us and inspire only the deepest compassion and a desire to work to see things change. And it must inform our understanding of what is happening.

There's a great article on The Guardian about what's happening in Ferguson and riots in general that I recommend reading: Check it out. Just don't be silent. And think about that anger.

That time I balanced a cake while sitting side saddle

Last night around midnight, I had one of those "Aha" moments, where I thought to myself, "I think I can possibly write about my current ordinariness." I also thought to myself, this makes me that Westerner--who think it's funny to write about ordinary events. Okay, forgive me.

You see, I was at that moment sitting side-saddle on the back of a motorbike that my husband was driving, slipping and sliding over a muddy path, with my weekend bag, my purse, and a carrot cake (which I am quite proud of having made) on my lap--that is without tupperware... In fact, the carrot cake was still on its ceramic dish, with a plastic bowl over it and a grocery bag wrapped around the whole thing. Then there was the enormous bag of blankets and linens, as well as the computer bag, between my husband's feet, which he balanced while driving, in addition to the bananas and grapes in the front basket. We relatively comfortably slid our way through the muddy path and under frighteningly low electrical lines, made our way to the church, and were in bed not too far after midnight.

I am writing about it now, because until the moment when I thought of all of you, who might read this, it had not occurred to me that it was all that strange of an event. I mean, there was the part about it being midnight, and our evening had not exactly been planned this way. Certainly, it's not how every Friday night goes. So, in all those ways it was unusual, but it felt only normally unusual--not particularly daring or the least absurd... until I thought of you all.

The lead up to that moment was that we were helping a young woman in the church, who had been renovating her father's house. She'd asked us to pick up a truckload of furniture for her on our way up to the village yesterday. We did, little knowing that our truck would, several hours later, get stuck on the road to her house. This led to an amusing burst of help from rather tipsy neighbors and family (and thankfully some sober help as well), who helped carry all the quite heavy furniture to her house. Meanwhile, without thinking twice about it really, we left the truck in the road and traded it for the young woman's motorbike to get home. We emptied the truck of all the belongings we'd need, piled them high on ourselves/the motorbike and took off back to the church. Naturally, I was still in my meticulate professional dress, which I had worn in the morning to teach--hence the sitting side saddle.

My approach might easily have been one of annoyance, but I really have all of you to thank for changing that. When I thought of you all, I just suddenly felt like such a dare devil on an adventure that I positively wanted to laugh at the absurd image of my husband and me on that bike, with all that stuff, in that midst of that midnight, at that time of night! So thank you for transforming such an ordinary moment into one of excitement and intrigue! It is therefore in honor of you and out of gratitude that I have written this entirely frivolous blog post. Hopefully you smiled at the mental image anyway.

Now, let's hope we get the truck out!

When violence takes someone...

These days I am in a quiet (if busy) phase of life. I no longer live in an IDP (internally displaced persons) camp and have to face the realities of displaced peoples daily. I no longer teach in a center for migrant workers, who face daily discrimination and insecurity. I no longer listen weekly to the tales of horror coming out of Arakhan State and the violence in Kachin and Shan States. (Go here to be educated on those realities.)

Instead, I spend my time teaching an adorable group of 25 second graders, mastering the art of sourdough bread-making (go ahead and ask me about wild yeast and my absolute excitement over this kind of bread making!), looking up recipes for fermenting vegetables, and falling in love with my husband more everyday. Like I said, it's kind of quiet. Maybe old-fashioned even. Rather restful. And definitely quite normal, for a girl whose adult life has been usually led in rather not-so-normal locations.

I think it's given this backdrop of not being surrounded by violent situations anymore that I am coming to process the violent deaths of two different friends.

[NOTE: I am not including my friends' names, as there will be already, unfortunately, far too many Google results regarding their deaths now, instead of their lives.]

Both friends are individuals with whom I had lost contact after a few years, and neither had ever been in my closest circle of friends, yet a few good conversations sealed the label "friend" years ago. One was a good friend for a summer during Teach for America's training institute, but when we were placed in distant schools, that friendship never really progressed further. The other I spent a year living and working with in high school as a Page for Congress. That's enough for a connection. Within a short time of each other, the first was murdered by her boyfriend, and the second committed suicide.

Both were far, far too young to die.

There will probably never be any great words of wisdom that come of out of such violence (I learned that years ago when first finding myself immersed in the pain of an IDP camp), and so this post is not about that. What it is about is connecting.

Upon reflection on the sudden loss of these two beautiful individuals, I've realized there are many people that I respect, cherish, and love, with whom I no longer connect regularly, due to distance and life circumstances. There are people I would call even close friends, with whom I rarely speak anymore. High school friends. College friends. Friends of other life circumstances.

So, friends of so many different life phases, here's what I want to say to you: I cherish you.

I may not always know how or when to reach out to you, and I know that a long-distance friend from a past life is not the same as a friend in your current here-and-now, but I do cherish you.

Moreover, I respect you. You became my friend, because I respect who you are--the person God created you to be.

We live in a violent world, where we are not guaranteed a tomorrow ever. Random violence, sickness, or accidents could take any one of us today. Yet for both of my friends, who have now left this world as very young women, as far as I understand, the circumstances that led to their deaths were not new. In light of this, all I can think to ask right now, friends, is that you not give up--that you refuse to see yourself as trapped in any situation. You're not stuck, and if you're struggling right now, there's more to this great, big world than pain. Take the steps, any steps, to get help and move beyond the painful circumstances that can trap you.

Meanwhile, let's make sure we love each other thoroughly. We've got today to give out every drop of love possible. I'm going to attempt that, and meanwhile, I'm also writing some of those dear friends that I haven't heard from in a while. A little encouragement goes a long ways during the dark nights of our souls.

Married life!

Okay, so I am officially the worst blogger ever. I have on several occasions to started to build up something of a readership, semi-freaked out that so many people wanted to know what I was saying (made doubly speechless and confused when people I knew began discussing particular blog entries in front of me), and disappeared until my readership had dwindled comfortably down.

The most pointed example of my status as worst-blogger-ever is the fact that I quit blogging right before my wedding and failed to blog at all again for the next eight months. A wedding. It's the kind of thing that bloggers that actually want people to read what they write really like. Because people like weddings. And wedding photos. And sentimentality.

And I just don't get it all. That's not what I want exposed all over the internet. That's not what I want to draw people to my writing.

I have blogged off and on for some time, because it connects me to people far away. I also enjoy expressing some of the things that I am thinking about. But here's the reality: I don't know how to discuss my writing. Ever. And when I get afraid that people will actually want me to discuss my writing, it tends to leave the blog. Not that I ever stop writing. That's impossible for me. It just doesn't show up in blog form any more.

But... lest anyone think my general silence (mostly from the time I first began dating my now-husband) is due to unhappiness, here's a few of my reflections on married life.

It's good. It's two people. It's warm. It's waking up next to my best friend. It's being understood. It's being misunderstood. It's choosing love every day. It's choosing to focus on some things and overlook other things. It's closeness and intimacy. It's kindness. It's grace.

It seems people are particularly curious about the multicultural aspect of our married life, because it seemingly sets us apart from so many couples. Without a doubt, bringing our cultural styles of communication into our married life has required grace, patience, and understanding. Yet, I still have this on-going theory that we misunderstand each other about as much as the average couple; we just *know* we're multicultural and therefore are more prone to apply grace in the moment. Don't we all grow up in distinctly different family cultures with unique styles of communication and different expectations? Doesn't everyone have to work through forming yet another culture whenever we embark with another person, from another family, in creating a brand new family unit?

As I said earlier, marriage is being understood and misunderstood. I think that's part of why God gave us marriage. There are deep, deep lessons to be learned in the give and take that comes from this process. And there's extraordinary intimacy that comes when we choose someone that we cannot in the moment understand. (I am not speaking of language now. I am speaking of the infinite number of things that we do in our way, which we can never explain why truly... or, at least, explanations make no sense to another.)

And the other side of multicultural marriages... oh, the richness! Seeing the world from another perspective. Seeing my own country and culture from another perspective. Speaking a language at home that is different from the languages we use outside the home for daily business. Comparing the international news in two languages (worth doing!). Absorbing values from each other that our own cultures have neglected.

That being said, I married a gem of a man. Some days I wake up and still cannot believe this can all be real. The kindness and gentleness I experience from my husband makes it impossible to imagine any other life. And I don't intend to quit saying these things about him. He's a good man--the best even--and I am extraordinarily blessed.

Wishing you all the best from Lampang, Thailand!

"Do these rights count in the home?"

The United Nations Human Rights Declaration: Article 5 - "No one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment."

My students understood this article and were quick to state their need for it. They could think of countless examples.

But then one particularly astute student stumbled for his words as he said, "No, I don't know about this. These are all rights for out in public. What about in the home? Do these rights count in the home? If a husband is beating, even torturing his wife, can someone really intervene into the privacy of the home? Don't families have a right to self-determination?"

I held my breath and looked to the rest of the students, thinking one of them would speak. They looked back at me.

Kham Moen, my Shan co-teacher, and I had been teaching this class more in the role of facilitators than instructors, and despite the temptation, I did not want to stop this time. I wanted my students to come to make up their minds on tough ethical quandaries, because they had thought it through, not because an authority figure had told them "the answer."

So we made it personal. We came up with specific examples of domestic violence and sexual abuse. The students listed the rights (even sometimes conflicting rights) of every member of the family in these situations, and we talked about what was the right and moral thing to do in really difficult situations.

And then it continued... for the entire week of the Human Rights workshops. We could not simply talk about human rights in the public sphere, if we did not talk about human rights in the places closest to students' hearts: the home. So we did both: we had examples of government interactions with villages and more intimate interactions within the home. We engaged them both constantly.

I was fully invested in working through the material with my students for two reasons: 1) It is infinitely valuable for these individuals to think through the rights of others, 2) It is the last gift I can give my students.

You see, in two weeks, I will be moving and will begin a new job teaching a fantastic group of Thai second graders. It breaks my heart to think about leaving these Shan young adults, however, and so I've tried in one week to give them everything I could: a sense of compassion, empowerment, and responsibility. Before this class, only one student out of the eighteen had ever heard of the concept "human rights" or even the idea that all people might have certain rights. To talk about the international law, to which Burma is a co-signer, mattered to them.

When I asked the students what they found most interesting to study, I will never forget when a usually meek student, who keeps her head down and rarely speaks, spoke first in the class, lifting her eyes level with the others, "That my body belongs to me." This was in relation to our right to say no to unwanted sexual advances in a discussion the day before. This is what this girl remembered most of all. If that is all she remembers, we have one a huge battle in one young woman's life.

Now, over the next couple weeks, the other English teacher will be giving historic examples of non-violent resistance, as a means others have used to fight for those basic rights. Sometimes I look at my students and wonder if we're throwing fire at gasoline. They are tired of injustice already, and they are just so ready to do something. I can only pray they will have the wisdom to see when and what action is helpful. I also pray that the world will never be black-and-white to them and that they will always see the complexities, even in the midst of choosing action.

Truly I have been privileged to work with these students.

Appreciating now

Change is kind of difficult.

If I calculate it out, in the last ten years, I have lived in 21 bedrooms "long-term" (tells you how long-term anywhere has been), with over 50 different roommate/housemates. Right now, I have been living in the one-room apartment that I currently live in for four months now, and I have actually no roommates (quite an unusual arrangement actually for me). The little bungalow, which I last called home, was the longest I had called anywhere home since I was sixteen, and I stayed there for just barely over a year. As you can imagine, I found it difficult to leave that house.

With this sort of nomadic life, I think I have earned the right to state that change is difficult. Yet, I will add that I would not give up one of these experiences. I certainly hope and pray, by learning to live with so many different types of people, I am a hair's breadth readier for what my dad calls "the ultimate roommate" (that is, marriage). Moreover, I have learned from people and cultures all over the world, and who I am today is layered deeply into these many experiences. I have loved the life I have been fortunate enough to live, and I am simultaneously extraordinarily grateful that I will soon now have someone with whom to share all of life's future transitions.

Yet, despite this gratitude for life's many phases... I must admit, I am struggling with change again. In just over two weeks, I am moving to a new city to start a new job with new students, living in a new house, relying predominantly on a new language (that is Thai, instead of Shan), driving a new car on a new side of the road, and a little over a month after the move will begin my new life as a married woman. It's a lot to take in.

And being who I am, as soon as I know a change is on the horizon, it's my instinct to focus on that, rather than where I am.

So in honor of all this change, I want to take some time to appreciate all that has been (and is) in this rather short phase in which I have found myself in Chiang Mai. Here's my incomplete list of appreciation for my Chiang Mai time:

1. I have fallen in love with a wonderful man, who will soon be my husband.
2. I have been privileged to join hands with Partners and Shan Youth Power as we began the new migrant resource center, which is today Seed (This is a video of Seed, and if you look, you'll even see me teaching in this video!).
3. I have come to know the most wonderful Shan staff at Seed, who have been at times my students and at times my teachers, but always dear friends on whom I have often relied (and enjoyed their cooking).
4. I have had the chance to get to know the other Partners staff that I did not have the opportunity to get to know so well while working in the village on top of the mountain.
5. I have developed dear and lasting friends, who had no connection to Seed, Partners, or any other work related activity.
6. I have had a comfortable bed, a hot shower, a spacious bathroom, and air conditioning for quite some time now.
7. I have had the most amazing students ever (for proof, check out this past post).
8. I have enjoyed exploring Chiang Mai, whether through slow meals at the vegetarian restaurant at Wat Suan Dok or through walking around the Shan parts of town.
9. I have had the pleasure of walking/bicycling through the flower market everyday on the way to work.
10. I have been refreshed by the daily sight of the Doi Sutthep (a mountain).

Where are you all? Where are you headed? What are you grateful for right now? I'd love to hear from you.

Fruitfulness and Marriage

DISCLAIMER: For those of you who read my blog for the purpose of reading about things related to Thailand, Burma, and the Shan, this post isn't that. As I enter this new phase of life, I hope you will occasionally walk with me on some more marriage-related posts.

_______

I basically don't like rules. Especially when people make them regarding expressions of faith. They bother my core and make me suspect insecurity more than a deep regard for their Creator.

But then again, I can't create a rule about rules either actually... I would, in fact, admit there do seem to be a few concretes in scripture that don't confuse me on cultural grounds that I do think make fairly good rules to live by: "Do not murder." is a fine example. Being faithful to one's spouse falls in that category, as well. A long with quite a few others. Some rules are okay with me.

Yet, mostly, I see exceptions everywhere, and I am bothered by blanket statements. I certainly see family planning as an impossibility for hard fast rules, which is why it surprised me so much when I was quite bothered yesterday by an article on Christianity Today's Her-Meneutics: The Fruitful Callings of the Childless by Choice. I read it, and I couldn't pinpoint what it was that bothered me, so I went to sleep.

So let's begin with admitting my own oddness: I am not very likely to take something at face value, just because someone told me so. I remember when in my senior seminar in college, my professor told all the graduating seniors that what he most wished for is that we had developed a fine-tuned "BS detector," and I thought to myself, mine might have gotten a bit hypersensitive. Basically, I am highly skeptical and approach assumptions through the back door.

Which is to say that when I first began to realize I would be getting married this year and thus needed to start thinking about birth control, I did not come in with many ready assumptions. Of course, I did the usual research about birth control methods. Pros and cons. Effectiveness. Side effects. The usual.

I could cite that stuff, but something inside me kept calling me deeper in my questioning. There was nothing wrong with birth control really. At all. But... I did not like the way it seemed to be discussed online, nor the way others were discussing it with me in person. Then, as well as last night, I could not put my finger on why right away, so I also slept on it. And slept some more on it. For weeks. And I listened to people and listened to when it was that I felt they had something beautiful to say about families and family planning and when it was they expressed something that elicited that same uncomfortable feeling inside me. 

Then I did something else quite unusual: I figured if the reason I could not express myself regarding birth control was because it was totally taken for granted in our society, I needed to go back only a hundred years in my reading to see what people were expressing when it was still new. So I began reading both defenses of and attacks against birth control dating from the 1880s through the 1920s. (Thankfully, Kindles are wonderful sources of free reading of the older sort.) I noticed something: many strong, courageous women felt that the availability of birth control was a necessity, BUT... they thought it highly unwise for a newly married couple to delay having their first child. In fact, everybody seemed to be in agreement on this one fact (I'm sure if you dig, you will find the exception, but I did not), during the era when birth control first entered our society. Those who delayed, they referred to as "voluntarily sterile," and they considered it a failure to realize the fullness of the marriage. To them, it was a terribly sad and selfish state of being.

I did not come to the same conclusion. Not entirely. But it helped me understand.

Finally, I began to verbalize to others and to my fiance (who was light years ahead of me in this area... he needed no convincing at all!) what I was feeling--that we live in a society that does not value children. We generally want "us" time, more than we want the natural blessings of married life. And we certainly do not want too many of them! They are a threat to our way of living, and birth control has become more closely related to the fear of the arrival of a child than with the excitement of planning for the arrival of a child. I do not want that. Whether we delay or not, our reasons should be more about the excitement than about the loss (and yes, every time we choose one thing, we do lose another, I realize... the honeymoon phase must change into something else eventually).

Sooo... back to the article yesterday... There was nothing I found technically wrong with it, and I appreciated the author's honesty. I would not want to apply a rule to her, which I would find unfair. But... I still question the basic presuppositions... that children might ever take us away from our purpose. Perhaps, God has not called this particular couple to have children, and that is fine, and perhaps a few who have likewise been called into a unique lifestyle will find encouragement in what she has written. Yet, I am concerned for the many, many others, who simply fear the losses. That's what bothered me: not the article itself, but that it may so easily build on the already existing cultural supposition that children are a burden upon our "deeper" purposes and desires. Are children not often the very inspiration for the additional gifts and purposes God gives us?

Admittedly, I now write as only an engaged woman, who has never yet gone through the transitions of either marriage or motherhood, but my critique is on an accepted societal view. When my chance to welcome a new child into the world comes, I want it to be exactly that: an exciting welcoming, not something I feel frustrated about because he/she showed up before I had properly planned for them. 

What do you all think?

Talking about the Holocaust and reconciliation

Some days I am pretty sure I teach the most incredible students ever. Seriously.

Last week we had a conversation that I still have not gotten out of my head. You see, it started off by reading a story that just mentioned a "senator's wife." But these students are from Burma, and you can't explain even a simple political word without really talking about.

So we talked.

We worked through the different parts of government in the American system as a point of comparison, and then we talked about Burma. So far, I had not had any political conversation with my Shan students, and I was a little nervous about opening it up, but I also felt it was necessary. Because politics in Burma, to migrant workers in Thailand, means everything. It's what determines whether they ever return to the places where they were born.

Amazingly, as I began to ask about the constitution, my students demonstrated incredibly maturity and insight. I asked them what they thought would happen at the next election (when a majority of the seats are going to be contested), and they tackled the issues of whether Aung San Suu Kyi's NLD party might win and what that could mean for the country. They went on to discuss their fears and how sometimes they feel inside Shan State, Burma, as second class citizens.

If we had stopped there, I would have felt the lesson a great success. My goodness, they were incredible--seriously, incredible. They came from many different walks of life with so many different experiences, and yet they held a conversation with mild debate in a respectful and considerate manner.

But the story doesn't finish with talking about government.

One of the more thoughtful students had something he needed to tell the class: you see, on the way to class that day, he had seen a man stranded on the side of the road after a motorbike accident, and he stopped to help him, only to discover this man was Burmese. For my student, who has suffered deeply by the Burmese in the past, he had a decision to make. He wanted to turn away and leave this man to suffer alone, but this student really and truly is incredible. He did not turn away. He stepped in and helped him.  He looked at the class, fresh from the emotions and asked, "Did I do the right thing? I wasn't sure if it was right, because he was Burmese, and the Burmese have hurt our people so. But he was just a person."

The students stared back at him. They did not rush to tell him he had done the right thing, because I suspect all were wondering if they would have done the same thing. After a short silence, I told him that I thought what he had done was extremely brave and good, but I would tell them a story and see if my story helped them decide for themselves.

I told them about growing up, knowing of my Jewish heritage and therefore learning early on about the Holocaust and all those that died. Since my students did not know what the Holocaust was, I gave them a history lesson and showed photographs. As I paused, you could hear only the constant whir of the fans in the students' silence.

Then I confessed the fact that I came to know sometime later than I came to know my Jewish heritage: that's the Nazi war criminal past as well. That "other" cousin.

You see, I share in my blood the blood of many who died but also of one who did much to assure that more died. That's my heritage. Both.

I have since lived in Germany and come to speak German fluently, and my sister lives in Israel and has married an Israeli. We never walk away from the understanding of humanity's deep capacity for incredible good or evil, and, knowing that terrible evil has existed even within our family, we have no choice but to walk in forgiveness. That is why I went to Germany, and that is why I learned German. That is also why I chose to love what is German. Forgiveness is my heritage.

And it's precisely that understanding of my heritage which has translated into a passion for justice and reconciliation and sent me off to work with those who have suffered most by the Burmese regime's discriminatory and violent practices. I then turned to my student, who had helped the Burmese man, and asked him if he understood why I was telling the class this story.

"Yes," he responded and smiled. "I believe in helping him too."

The next day the class continued the conversation, adding that the only chance Shan State has for true freedom exists through forgiveness and valuing all people. I was floored. This is not normal Shan speech, and my students said it, not I. This may sound like ordinary Western meaningless fluff, but this kind of speech is completely foreign here and most definitely has meaning. We watched some videos about the Holocaust, and the students talked about both what was similar and different to what the Burmese have attempted against the Shan and the incredible risk of what the Shan could attempt against its minorities if ever given independence, if they do not first deal with their own hate, fear, and other issues. I. have. never. heard. anyone. actually. say. that.

I have hope today, because my students will one day be leaders, and these leaders will lead well.

As I said, I have incredible students. I am so incredibly privileged to be their English teacher.

An awkward confession

So I have a bit of a confession to make: I'm a little proud. Actually, quite possibly a lot. In fact, I generally think I'm right. As in, I always suspect I'm right. After all, why believe something at all, if you aren't going to believe you are right in believing it? Or so I've always philosophized my way away from humility.

But I'm beginning to learn something: there is nothing like even just the preparations for marriage to begin to make me gulp and question the above philosophy... I mean, here's quite a shocker: my fiancé does not think the exact same way as me on everything. I know, you all will need to pick your jaws up off the floor and let out a sigh in deep sympathy now, but it's true. And even more, sometimes he looks at me and actually suspects he might be able to see an area in my life in which I need to improve. I generally assure him quickly that he need not worry about such things.

Alas, my half-joking words are so much more true than not, and my heart constricts in pain as I realize just how much suffering I have the capability of causing by my mere know-it-all attitude (one long cultivated by the age of two). So here's something I am also now learning: I might be right. It's true. I might be, but generally it doesn't matter one bit. My rightness is totally unimportant to the orbit of the world around the sun, but my valuing of my future husband's views can change history. Maybe I'm still over-inflating any single decision of my own, including a good decision, but I'm beginning to think that that's possibly the kind of power we all hold when we affirm one another and lay down our rightness. We set a precedence that may last forever.

So, y'all, I am proud. And I enjoy displaying my rightness. Pray for me to be better than I am today. I don't want to be that person (and all my family who has suffered under my know-it-all-ness for two decades probably wants to kiss my fiancé's feet right now).

Some heavy news

My heart is heavy today. I've been reading a lot of news lately:

"Zimmerman is aqcuitted of murder and manslaughter charges." - NY Times

• I don't think I need to explain this one... you all have been probably watching the story of George Zimmerman far more closely than I have on this side of the world.
• An interesting point of comparison from 2007 in the NY Times: Man Convicted of Shooting Teenager 

"Monk threatens politicians over interfaith marriage" - Irrawaddy News

• This is about setting up a law to make it difficult or impossible for a Buddhist girl to marry a Muslim man... or any other religion, though it's for the purpose of alienating the Muslim population. 
• It is referred to as the "national race protection" law.

"Police attacked with petrol bombs in Belfast" - BBC News

• That again? I thought this ended, when I was just a small child. Nationalists and Royalists.

And there's more, not to mention the number of fearful Facebook posts, from people who thought one way or the other about Zimmerman's verdict. People swearing that the only response is for every "responsible" human being to carry a gun. God, help us.

All I see is all of this is that the world is full of people who are afraid of the other. And it's a deadly fear. I pray we all learn to face our fears and see the human, the image of God even, in the eyes of those we fear.

Something worth giggling over

I think it is pretty well known enough among my friends and loved ones that I can take up the somewhat more public pen and announce: I am getting married! It is an exciting fact that will occur in November to the man that makes it exciting. His name is Mong (actually, people here often have a few names, but that is the easiest one for English speakers), and he is a pastor in a small village.

Actually, when I get this far along in telling about this exciting news, my hands tend to go to my face to cover my smile and a slight giggle comes from my belly. I am in love. These are normal reactions to being in love. But... I've become a bit reticent about telling new acquaintances about this fun, new chapter in my life (it may have contributed to even how long I took to tell some friends I have not seen in a while and certainly to post in public spheres). Even as I write now, I am gulping and plunging forward with a sense of determination, rather than excitement.

Why is that? Friends who have known us well have spoken nothing but encouragement. If they have occasionally asked questions about how we will face some cultural leaps that are necessary, it was in the context of love and understanding of who we are. Yet, some others--people who do not even know either of us--seem to have felt it necessary to inform us that we come from different cultures, and that will be difficult. Point blank. Nothing more. And then there's that disapproving look. Towards me, it's the look of being foolish and stupid, of not knowing what I'm about. Perhaps they see me as trying to rescue, as if my fiancé needed rescuing by anybody, just because he was born to a different culture.  Towards him, the look is often slightly more menacing, as if he were trying to take advantage of me or get to my money (which I do not have) or my citizenship (we plan to live in Thailand). Some have even worried about how our children will look, when blending two different races.

Gulp.

In case anyone was feeling self-righteous, these statements have all been from Westerners.

I go to a Thai church that has a few regular Westerners and the occasional visitors. This last Sunday there was a group from Oklahoma Baptist University, and I ended up in a small group with them (we do small groups every week). They were visiting a family that knows me and goes regularly to The Light (my church), and the man asked me to share a bit about the person I am marrying.

I paused.

I should have been excited.

If they were Thai or Shan, I would have been excited.

But I am coming to dread telling white strangers (is this racism on my part?). Yes, this group seemed nice enough. But they had the option of telling me I was crazy to marry a man from another culture, and it seems people so often feel free to do that with a stranger.

Then I opened my mouth and talked. And then they told me they were excited for me, and they shared encouraging scriptures.

I breathed a sigh. I don't know what they said when they went back to their rooms that night, but I was encouraged that not everyone lets their fear of the other dominate them.

It's probably because of them that I have the courage to tell you now. I invite you to come alongside me as I begin this new journey we call marriage.

(My mom took this photo in front of the tea gardens near the village Mong lives in)

After a long silence

I have started and stopped a new blog post or update e-mail so many, many times over the last many months. Every time I stop, by the time I come back, even a few days later, things have changed too drastically to make the post even relevant anymore. That's a difficult place to be and one that has kept me learning.

So I figure I had better write this one quickly! I can only speak for right now, at this moment, because I never know what change might be in store for me a few days later.

As of a few days ago, for reasons that do not matter here, the English program in the village where I have lived up until now has been canceled. There's something sad in saying goodbye to a place I've called home for so long. Yet, though I did not choose it ultimately, it feels right and like I am being pulled into a new phase of my life here, which I actually quite look forward to. Besides, hot water and constant electricity are a pleasant luxury.

So I find myself back in Chiang Mai for what will be a longer stint. This means a few things for me right now: First off, I can spend this time actually getting to know the people in the organization that I have worked for for over a year but only infrequently saw while living up in the mountain. Secondly, I also get the opportunity to work with some rather incredible Shan who've been making their homes in another culture (Thailand) and working at often some very challenging jobs. I will be teaching and training in some fashion at a Migrant Resource Center, which will be visited most likely by nearly all Shan members of the community. This excites me, because it also means using my Shan language skills. Third, I can really plug into a special church that has already been there for me in some tough times.

So that's life for now. Now that we've covered the basic changes, I'm sure there will be many more blog entries in the future. I will later update you on some of the things going on in Burma, but this time, I hope you have not been to bored with a simple update on my life. I wish you all the best, love you, and have in no way forgotten you!

The news I don't know

Right now I'm still in "jungle" mode. This trip in to Chiang Mai, I just haven't really gotten my mind around being in Chiang Mai. Maybe it's largely due to the fact that I've been staying with others with whom I generally see and associate with the jungle. Maybe it's just because I've crossed some critical threshold of time in the village. I'm not sure the cause.

But this time I've not checked BBC News once, even though it's my web browser's home page. I tried to read the headlines once, but my lack of background knowledge simply overwhelmed. Somebody told me there was a terrible shooting in a movie theater in Colorado while I was in the jungle. I'm really, really sorry to hear that. I assume it's probably old news for you, though. Neither have I watched an episode of Glee or The Office. Or surfed Facebook for updates on people I care about. Or even barely checked my e-mail. Or really remembered the full potential of Skype.

And that's actually all a problem, because I'm not in Chiang Mai often enough to waste the few precious opportunities for internet connectivity.

Sooo... needless to say, this blog entry will not be stocked full of helpful links to recent news articles or discuss these major events that we are supposed to all share in our human psyche. According to popular opinion, that makes this a pitiful blog. I suppose there are pitfalls to trying to write a blog while living in the jungle. You just really know way more about what's going on than I do.

But I can talk about life in the jungle. I do not know what Aung San Suu Kyi's most recent words were, which is something I miss, but I know it's the rainy season and that tomorrow begins the Buddhist Lent. I know that when I take a shower, my hair may take 24 hours to dry, and I can forget about having really dry clothes. I know that plants are the most vibrant shade of green right now, and my valley has simply sprung to life from the dry grave of the dry season. I know that it's not banana season right now, though every Farang seems confused that we are not eating bananas. I'm not sure why. I know that papaya trees are beginning to put out their new produce, which will be ready in a few months, passion fruit vines are in their growing phase, and many pineapples are ready to pick. I also know that the leaves of the sweet potato vine growing wild in the crevice behind my house are really tasty on ramen (mama) noodles, and my mint and lemongrass make my "teacher's throat" feel a tiny bit happier. I also know where to go to look for wood to build an arbor for my passion fruit vine (though admittedly I need my brother for success on such occasions), and I know how to collect morning glory leaves for soup.

I also know the other stuff. The stuff that's common in a community that's suffered trauma. And people coming out of communities destroyed by drugs.

And though I am not able to follow the news from my home and perhaps you might idealize the beautiful parts of my world (and that's fine, they are idyllic), I'm sending out a plea to all of you to follow the news for me and to keep hoping and praying. And asking good questions. Don't accept too quickly. Be cautious. Because we need people who care about this part of the world and who want to see the hope of full lives.

Tantalizing dreams of the future

Tomorrow I head back up the mountain to my Shan community after nearly a month in Chiang Mai. I had not planned on staying this long, but getting a work permit delayed me and caused a longer stay here. I cannot even say how much I have missed it and how much I long to return.

Which is odd, perhaps. The rainy season has begun, and everything will be cold and wet. Perhaps nothing will dry. Perhaps my underwear will grow mold like last year. Certainly my feet and ankles will be perpetually covered in mud, and sometimes I will have total wipe-outs on this slippery substance that will leave my entire body a red-brown color and force me to do laundry earlier than I planned, because I still cannot figure how it is that even five-year-olds in Shan State seem to walk in the mud effortlessly and cleanly. I feel like a total buffoon in the mud.

But this community is a part of me now, and all my hopes and longings ride with the people of this community. That's what all my more political postings lately have been about--that deep, deep longing for peace and stability.

Yet there's more to it than a longing for a peace deal and stability and autonomous rule and human rights, etc... What about education? I don't just dream of children being allowed to speak their own language in school (that would fall in the category of "rights"), but I dream of fourth graders reading on a fourth grade level. I dream of Shan State meeting the regional standards of education, maybe one day exceeding. I don't just long for women and children to no no longer fear that fathers will be taken away and forced to be porters (again a human right), but I long for women and children not having to fear that their babies will die due to poor nutrition and preventable disease. I long for systems to form in which to help families who have no water source during the dry season. I long for enough economic development that opium isn't the only way for a farmer to feed his family.

What am I saying? Yesterday I had a conversation with a woman responsible for a lot of the communications from Partners to rest of the world, and we discussed how frustrating it is when everyone thinks things are okay now. First off, the conflict isn't over, and human rights are not really being fully honored.... BUT it is reasonable to be excited by all the positive moves that have occurred in Burma. OF COURSE we should write about those and expect others to be as excited as we are. YET that's not the end of the story. We're talking about a country that's been devastated by over six decades of war... and before that was their independence war and WWII... and before that was colonization, which wasn't exactly the best rule either...

You don't rebuild overnight.

So I'm asking that you continue to remember Burma. Remember the Shan people, whom I talk a lot about, but also the Karen, Kachin, Chin, Lahu, Lisu, Mon, Rohingya, Rakhine, Burmese, etc. Remember all 135 ethnic groups of Burma. Hold us in your thoughts and prayers, because so many hopes and dreams are pinned on being able to finally approach the many development challenges.

And if you are in a position to be able to help financially right now, I encourage you to do so. The work is really just beginning.

But that's not the point. Remember Burma. Talk about Burma. Don't let us slip out of your daily conversation please, because that's what I fear. If Burma "democratizes," people will forget us. So, please, keep talking and reading and asking questions.

The Burmese Military apologizes.

Today, while sifting through the news on Irrawaddy and the SHAN Herald, I saw one that struck me. Recently in a staff meeting at Partners, one person lamented the destruction of the new peace agreement already.

You see, on May 19, the Shan State Army and the Union Peacemaking Work Committee (UPWC - the representatives of the Burmese government) came to what I would have called impossible nine months ago: an agreement, not merely to stop fighting as they had decided in December (with many skirmishes anyway), but to begin working toward a new future (see: The 12 Point Agreement). Everyone cheered, and there was a sense of breathless excitement (and also fear that it would all turn out to be a sham, because I think nobody ever loses that fear) among those of us working in Shan State, while waiting to see what the follow through would look like.

Four days later, the follow-through appeared to be more fighting.

And so this staff member lamented that the peace deal lasted a mere three days. That it was over.

Hearing those words really pained me deeply, and I went back to my room that night and remember feeling strongly that we, especially outsiders and guests, could not be the first to give up. If no official media was announcing that the peace agreement had already fallen apart, we had to be those that held it up in the greatest hope. I believe, we must be the last to despair and the first to hope, no matter how audacious, because truly no good can come without hope. That was Monday.

Today, Wednesday, I discovered the unthinkable: an apology  from the Burmese Army and a decree that went out to all its troops to cease hostilities toward the SSA. An apology!

Please be as excited as I am about this historic event. It's not perfect, but it's enough to keep hope alive. Nobody is ready to give up on the push for peace in the region, therefore I will not despair.

Maybe, just maybe, the time is coming when we can stand beside our Shan sisters and brothers in every way possible in the enormous efforts of rebuilding communities after decades of war. There's so much work ahead, but I wait expectantly for the day when we will be allowed to begin this work.

It's a failed system, not an isolated event.

First of all, thank you, everyone, for how much attention you have given Tsam Hurng over the last couple days. I did not imagine that response. Thankfully, I have also been sent several sources of numbers, so I can correct my statement about the under-five mortality rate.

Thankfully the numbers I had previously read were based on much older figures, and all the work of clinics on the border regions does appear to be making a difference, though the numbers are still quite horrible. The current mortality rate for children under the age of five in Eastern Burma is 138 for every 1,000 births. Taken this way, a child born in Eastern Burma (technically this is not limited to only the border regions, but the study focused largely on the border regions) has close to a 14% likelihood of not making it to his/her fifth birthday. These numbers are from "Diagnosis Critical: Health and Human Rights in Burma" ( http://maetaoclinic.org/publications/health-and-human-rights, click on "Diagnosis Critical" to review the document), who used many of WHO's finding and some original research.

As a point of comparison, babies born in the rest of Burma have only 66 deaths before the age of five to ever 1,000 births, meaning about 6.6% This number should still horrify you, as Thailand has only 14/1,000 (1.4%), and the USA has 8/1,000 (0.8%), and Norway has 3/1,000 (0.3%) (see http://data.worldbank.org/indicator/SH.DYN.MORT).

If you're not a numbers sort of person, I realize this post may not be the most compelling post ever. However, the point is, Tsam Hurng died because of a failing system, not in an isolated event. Poor maternal nutrition weakened him before he was ever born. His mother says that all her babies used to be born healthy, but since she had to flee her village (due to the war), she has never had quite enough food or the right food.

Moreover, the medics and doctors at our clinic have to tell mothers on a regular basis that there is absolutely nothing that can be done for the child who was born blind. Usually the cause was a virus, like measles, that the mother caught while pregnant, a virus that probably every one of my readers was vaccinated against as a baby. When a mother comes in with a blind child, I feel very grateful for my role as teacher, not doctor, because the job of telling this mother, who thought the clinic was the final bit of hope for her child, that nothing can be done is terrible. There's no school for the blind here. A blind child most likely has a very difficult future ahead of him/her. We need vaccines, but a quality vaccination program is difficult, complicated, and expensive. There are plans, but it's baby steps at a time.

So, please, choose to see these kinds of stories in their context. We're working in a land that will take decades to recover from the war that has ravaged it for decades, if that war finally ends. So please look at Partners' website (http://www.partnersworld.org/). Maybe you can get involved.

When child mortality rates take on flesh and skin...

Back in November, those of us staying in the village experienced what felt like a miracle. On vaccination day, a mother with an eight day old baby showed up at the clinic. The baby weighed only 1.2 kg and looked like a skeleton. The mother reported he had been born tiny (possibly a few weeks premature but not much) and was refusing milk. Thankfully, at that time, a Norwegian midwife was with us, and while the rest of us could at best make recommendations (a doctor present even nervously considered the pros and cons of putting a feeding tube into this small baby), Liv provided concrete help to the mother, working with her on how to extract her milk and put it into the very weak baby, who simply was not strong enough to latch onto the breasts.

Two weeks later, the baby was still alive. Still small, still weak, but alive and struggling to live. The mom appeared tired, but she did nothing else in the day but attend to this child, and the baby lived.

Then the baby made it to the one month mark, which is important in Shan culture, because he received a name: Tsam Hurng. He was a live, and he had put on another 100 grams, and he weighed 1.6 kg, still far too small, but he was making it.

Then in February, I went to visit the mom and baby again and was amazed by what I saw: a healthy, thriving little boy with an extraordinarily devoted mother. I sent these photos to Liv, the Norwegian midwife, and felt so proud to have witnessed something so good and extraordinary happen. I thanked God.

Then yesterday I received a phone call from my Shan brother (I'm in Chiang Mai right now, waiting on a work permit). Tsam Hurng had caught chickenpox and died.

Everyone had worked so hard to watch this child live and grow to be a man. His mother had devoted herself to him, and he had seemingly come out of the woods and was okay.

But he died. From chickenpox.

I feel angry at the injustice. Children living on the Thai-Burma border have terrible mortality rates. Unfortunately, I cannot find an online source for the actual mortality rate, but I've seen in print anywhere between 1/3 and 2/5 children die before their fifth birth.

As I share the joy with many Shan friends of mine who are about to have babies or just had theirs, I feel the shadow of the mortality rates. I suspect they're a little better in the village where I live, because we do have a clinic with a mother-baby department that works tirelessly to combat many common causes of death in children. Still, Tsam Hurng reminds me of how far from perfect the situation is.

Please pray for and remember Tsam Hurng's family, and do not forget Burma. Do not think for one moment the struggle for the ethnic regions is over. Some things are improving, but the work is just beginning. And some places, like Kachin State, still wait to see any improvement from the government changes.

America, please reign in the optimism...

A gold rush of massive proportions for all the natural resources and business opportunities will likely begin... now. I want economic development for this country, more than words can say, and I wish I could simply rejoice at the news of new opportunities. Reality and history, however, tell me that business in Burma has often been born on the shoulders of ethnic slave labor and horrific oppression. Today I grieve the decision of my country.

President Obama, why did you lift the ban so quickly and with so few restrictions? Did you not hear the thousands of people who have been abused, displaced, tortured, and even murdered thus far in the name of economic development?

http://uscampaignforburma.wordpress.com/2012/05/17/dangerous-optimism/

Burma is changing

I increasingly find it difficult to write here. Oftentimes I cannot tell every interesting story I encounter, as I would like to, because they involve real people who have real stakes in the world. I'd like to tell you about the guy I know who has gone to Yangon in hopes of applying for a passport so that he can study, but that will have to suffice. I'd like to tell you about the girls I know, who are trying to decide when the right time to return their villages is and how best to use their medical skills. I want to tell you the stories that these one-liners encompass, but all I can give you are on the one-liners... which is nothing. But they do show something: people are thinking about going home. People are gaining rights.

And then there's the generalities. It used to be so much easier to talk about the facts of life in Burma, but now... no fact remains steadfast. Everything is changing so rapidly. Two words describe the situation better than anything else I know: hope and fear. And I suppose I can only write on the juxtapose position of these two ideas in the day to day reality so many times, before you know what I'm wanting to say even before I put it on paper. We wait, and we pray.

Please do not misunderstand me. Life in Burma in the ethnic areas is yet to be "good." BUT life in Burma is changing. There's a real (albeit still small) NLD presence in parliament, who will create a very public opposition to the old military rule. Outsiders are being very hesitantly invited in to do NGO work. The ceasefires are not instantaneously disintegrating, though they're not necessarily being followed quite ideally either. And people are beginning to talk about what they would do if... if they have freedom, if a real democracy rises out of these murky waters, if they can go home.

My own hopes and dreams are changing... because Burma is changing. I have this new dream of putting my Shan language skills to use in its own homeland.

Sometimes a few of the more skeptical people around me remind to keep a reign on my optimism. I don't know if I'm honestly optimistic or merely hopeful. I hope. I don't know if I believe yet, but I hope. And that's what keeps the possibility of a better reality alive. It's the only thing worth writing about that I have said for the last five months, and I don't intend to stop: I hope.

Creating a Village

I am already back in Chiang Mai, a strange occurrence considering that just over a week ago I was here. However, this time I am here to pick up my parents from the airport in a couple hours, an unmistakably exciting reason to be here.

However, my relationship to Chiang Mai is also changing. I used to feel in every visit like an outsider, a confused visitor, a fraud who knew just enough Thai to survive but whose mind was ever switching to Shan. But yesterday and today has reminded me that it does not take spending huge swaths of time in a place to turn a city into a village. The villa I always stay at greeted me happily with lots of questions when I arrived. The man that fixed my friend's computer smiled cheerfully in recognition when I came to him with a computer that would not connect to the internet. The Shan housekeeper at the villa and her younger siblings went to dinner with me after work (as soon as they heard I was going to dinner at 8pm, though they had already eaten, they declared I was not allowed to go alone, grabbed my hand, and took me out the door). This morning the breakfast restaurant owner asked me if I knew anyone looking for work that I could send her way (she knows I know many Shan people who might be looking), and the Shan cook that works with her held my hand as she asked about my parents coming. Finally, I find myself in the same coffee shop that always plays Norah Jones and Eva Cassidy music. As I walked in, the lady that owns the shop asked me in Thai, "You want a latte as usual, right?"

I've gotten in the habit of explaining to people that there's something special about village life that I cannot imagine giving up right now, and that certainly remains true. But I am also coming to an awareness that a person can choose to live as if in a village anywhere really. There may be many, many choices for food in Chiang Mai, but by becoming a regular, I am creating the same sense of closeness and space in Chiang Mai as I have in my village. I am connecting on a human level. I am learning names. I am smiling and following up to the tidbits of story I've learned the last time. While here in Chiang Mai, I do always still miss the real village (I say this while the background noise of construction machinery threatens to blast my eardrums), but perhaps, more importantly, a more transferable mindset has developed in recent months. My home may change several more times in my lifetime. Politics may force that eventually. But I am committed to the human connections that living in a Shan village has taught me.